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9:46 p.m. - Sunday, Apr. 25, 2003 my mother is currently in mass, my brother is at my dad's, and my cousin is at a dance and then going to her friend's house. so it's safe to say i am alone. alone would be an understatement. haha. yeah. i'm lonely. i had my first track meet of the season today. i won my main event, yet i don't have any real satisfaction from it. my time was horrible and my competition, well i didn't really have any. just some boys. the only girl that was in the race with me came in two minutes after me. cute eh? this week has been my vacation... vacation from what? i'm not sure. i'm grounded still. i have no love one to run to. no arms to keep me comforted. no this vacation is more like a way to make me go crazy. make me think of new ways to entertain myself. you know, i'm not supposed to be online right now. im so tricky. god. no not god. there isn't one. fuck. i meant to say fuck. i cut mikes hair again. couple of days went by. i have a few new cuts on my arm, and two on my leg... mom says he can come over. i call him, it's 8. <"do you want to come over?" easy enough, right? he comes over. we go up to my room and just hang out and do nothing for a while. im laying on my bed and he is sitting next to me, playing guitar. then... he starts to sing. and it almost makes me cry. i shouldn't have listened to the lyrics. i knew what it was. but i still shouldn't have listened. he stops playing. i play for a little while. nothing impressive just something i wrote, i didn't sing. i finish, put my guitar back on my futon. then we are laying there. joking about things... talking about others. then the conversation turns into... us. as a couple. it was civil. very much so. we talked about the beginning of the relationship. the both of us together remember the entire thing. lots of talk of whether or not we are complicating things more. read his diary. he's staying with erin (notice how i didn't say jane). which is great. they should be together and it gives me one less thing to wonder about. today after my meet i went to the skatepark. i didn't bring my deck but i talked to bobby. he asked if anyone was home... i asked him if he was proposing anything, he said maybe. ha. i left him there at the skatepark. my cousin finds plans for the evening when i get back home. shes going to a dance, so i have the house to myself for 3 hours, and if she goes to a friends house the entire evening. my first thought is to see if mike wants to come spend the night because he couldn't that night we were talking. but oh yeah (said in the most monotoneous voice i can produce) he has gone to new york to be with his girlfriend. so i came home after i dropped her off at some dance. and got online. talked to kyle. he's thinking a lot like me. he told me to come hang out with him. i would if i could get away with it. we have this discussion on lovers that we don't have to love and being tied to the backs of cars so there isn't love. i wouldn't mind being his friend... with a benefit or two. completely detached. sounds brilliant. add it to the list of why my life is a movie. oh... speaking of my life as a movie. nick likes a girl. the girl had a thing with .... go ahead and guess... ryan. big fucking surprise huh. i thought so. but... this girl doesn't want to compete with "some girl from v.a" hah. a movie script ending. and furthermore. i am definitely not happy.
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